Be a Happier Parent

Ep 29: Why is she the only one thinking about it? with Allison Daminger

Check out Allison's website https://www.allisondaminger.com/
follow me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappierparent
Full videos of episodes available on YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
parenting, cognitive labor, mental load, gender roles, household dynamics, essentialism, couples, equity, caregiving, family responsibilities
Summary
In this conversation, Allison Daminger discusses the complexities of parenting, cognitive labor, and the persistent gender roles that influence household dynamics. She explores the concept of cognitive labor as the mental work involved in managing household responsibilities, highlighting the emotional burdens that often accompany these tasks. The discussion delves into personal essentialism, the impact of societal expectations on gender roles, and the challenges couples face in achieving equitable divisions of labor. Daminger emphasizes the importance of intentionality and communication in navigating these dynamics, offering insights into how couples can work towards a more balanced partnership.
Takeaways
Allison Daminger's research stems from her curiosity about parenting.Cognitive labor involves anticipating needs and managing household tasks.The brain's tendency to ping with unresolved tasks adds to mental load.Gender roles still heavily influence household responsibilities.Personal essentialism complicates the understanding of gendered labor.Couples often fall into patterns that reflect societal expectations.Skill-building in household tasks can shift gendered expectations.Emotional burdens like guilt affect how parents manage responsibilities.Couples can achieve equity by adjusting on the margins of their roles.Understanding the historical context of gender roles is crucial for change.
Titles
The Hidden Work of ParentingCognitive Labor: The Mental Load of Parenthood
Sound bites
"The brain hates unclosed loops.""We expect women to care the most.""We can adjust on the margins."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Cognitive Labor04:50 Understanding Cognitive Labor and Mental Load07:34 The Process of Cognitive Labor10:22 Measuring Cognitive Labor13:35 Personal Essentialism and Gender Roles16:27 The Superhero and the Bumbler19:29 Social Pressures and Accountability22:32 The Impact of Historical Context on Gender Roles25:30 Judgment and Expectations in Parenting28:26 Conclusion and Reflections on Cognitive Labor29:56 Anticipation of Judgment and Consequences31:16 Gendered Expectations in Household Roles32:59 Skill-Building and Gendered Narratives35:52 Hope for Change in Household Dynamics37:35 The Complexity of Same-Sex Relationships38:37 Intentionality in Division of Labor41:57 Status and Perception of Caregiving44:30 Cognitive vs. Physical Work in Households46:54 The Root of Responsibility in Parenting50:40 Moving Towards Equity in Household Tasks

Ep 28: The History of Marriage with Stephanie Coontz

You can pre order Stephanie's forthcoming book here: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/673497/for-better-and-worse-by-stephanie-coontz/
Check out her website: https://www.stephaniecoontz.com/
Find me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappierparent
YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
marriage, gender roles, parenting, emotional labor, societal changes, breadwinner ideal, relationships, community, historical perspective, modern marriage
Summary
In this conversation, Stephanie Coontz explores the evolution of marriage, gender roles, and parenting dynamics throughout history. She discusses how societal changes have influenced the expectations and realities of modern relationships, particularly the shift from traditional breadwinner ideals to more egalitarian partnerships. Coontz emphasizes the importance of emotional labor in relationships and the need for social connections outside of marriage to enhance satisfaction and well-being. The discussion also touches on the historical context of relationships and how understanding this can help couples navigate contemporary challenges.
Takeaways
Women contributed about half the calories in foraging societies.Marriage was originally about connecting different bands, not just romantic partnerships.Inequalities in society led to marriage being used to limit sharing.The breadwinner ideal emerged in the 1820s with democratic capitalism.Women became more dependent on their husbands as job opportunities decreased.Emotional labor is often expected to be performed by women in relationships.Couples who share responsibilities report higher satisfaction.Social connections outside of marriage enhance relationship satisfaction.Understanding historical perspectives can help modern couples navigate challenges.Men can also experience emotional labor and anxiety in parenting.
Titles
The Evolution of Marriage: A Historical PerspectiveGender Roles and the Changing Landscape of Relationships
Sound bites
"Women did not need a husband to get food.""We have raised our expectations of marriage.""Men can be nurturers too."
Chapters
00:00 The Evolution of Marriage and Family Structures04:26 Marriage: A Tool for Social Connection07:20 The Control of Women's Choices in Marriage09:34 Parenting and Sharing in Early Societies12:22 The Shift to Monogamy and Its Implications14:57 Modern Marriage: Expectations and Realities18:38 The Historical Context of the Breadwinner Model23:26 The Impact of Economic Changes on Marriage Dynamics25:58 The Evolution of Women's Roles in Marriage30:39 The Impact of Parenthood on Relationships35:54 Understanding Gendered Expectations and Emotional Labor42:20 The Role of Social Media in Modern Relationships45:00 Learning from Same-Sex Relationships48:19 The Broader Community and Marriage Dynamics

Ep 27: The Arguments Every Couple Should Have with Divorce Lawyer turned Couples Therapist Joanna Harrison

Check out Joanna's Website: www.joannaharrison.co.uk
Find me on Instagram @beahappierparent
Keywords
couples therapy, divorce lawyer, communication, relationship advice, arguments, parenting, emotional connection, intimacy, relationship dynamics, conflict resolution
Summary
In this conversation, Joanna Harrison, a former divorce lawyer turned couples therapist, discusses her journey and the insights she has gained about relationships. She emphasizes the importance of communication, understanding, and navigating the complexities of couple dynamics. Joanna outlines five essential arguments that all couples need to have, highlighting the significance of curiosity and negotiation in maintaining healthy relationships. The discussion also touches on the challenges of parenting and the balance between time spent together and apart.
Takeaways
Joanna transitioned from divorce law to couples therapy to focus on the emotional aspects of relationships.Couples therapy is not just about saving relationships; it's about exploring what comes next.Arguments in relationships can lead to growth and understanding.Communication is a continuous process that requires effort from both partners.Couples need to negotiate their roles and responsibilities to avoid conflict.Curiosity about each other's experiences is crucial for relationship health.It's important to show that you have your partner in mind during daily activities.Different parenting styles can lead to conflict, but they can also complement each other.Listening to your partner does not mean you have to agree with them.Planning time together requires understanding each other's needs.
Sound bites
"Communication is an ongoing process.""Arguments offer the potential for growth.""We can't plan everything in advance."
Chapters
00:00 NEWCHAPTER02:23 From Divorce Lawyer to Couples Therapist03:37 Understanding the Dynamics of Arguments05:53 The Five Essential Arguments Couples Need to Have08:54 The Importance of Communication in Relationships10:53 Exploring the Role of Anger in Communication17:15 Creating Safe Spaces for Difficult Conversations20:55 Curiosity and Understanding in Relationships29:59 Understanding Individual Issues in Relationships32:19 The Dynamics of Couples Therapy33:31 Parenting Styles and Their Impact44:29 Navigating Time Together and Apart52:48 The Evolution of Relationships After Kids

Ep 26: The Philosophy of Care with Elissa Strauss

Elissa's Substack: https://elissa.substack.com/
Follow me on Instagram @beahappierparent
Keywords
care ethics, dependency, self-actualization, relationships, parenting, gender perspectives, philosophy, ethics, spirituality, marriage
Summary
In this conversation, Elissa Strauss discusses the philosophy of care, emphasizing the importance of dependency in relationships and parenting. She critiques traditional views of self-actualization, arguing that true growth occurs in relational contexts. The discussion explores various ethical frameworks, including virtue ethics, deontological ethics, and utilitarianism, while highlighting the significance of care ethics. Gender perspectives on care and the impact of patriarchy are examined, along with religious views on dependency. The conversation culminates in reflections on navigating dependency in marriage and the emotional dynamics that shape relationships.
Takeaways
Care philosophy challenges the myth of independence.Self-actualization is often a communal process, not an individual one.Care involves inherent friction and complexity.Gender perspectives influence how care is perceived and enacted.Patriarchy often diminishes the value of care work.Religious traditions can reflect care blindness.Dependency is a natural state in human relationships.Emotional dynamics in relationships are crucial yet often overlooked.Navigating dependency requires empathy and understanding.The seesaw of relationships is rarely balanced.
Titles
The Philosophy of Care: Embracing DependencyRethinking Self-Actualization in Relationships
Sound bites
"Self-actualization is a myth.""Care involves friction.""Care ethics is a messy moral philosophy."
Chapters
00:00 The Complexity of Faith and Identity03:18 Philosophy of Care and Dependency06:02 Self-Actualization vs. Co-Actualization08:43 Ethics: A Deep Dive into Care11:07 The Role of Care in Parenting13:25 Gender Perspectives in Ethical Reasoning16:26 Patriarchy and Care Ethics18:53 Cultural Narratives and Care21:14 The Intersection of Care and Spirituality30:46 The Vulnerability of Caregiving33:56 Wrestling with Spirituality and Parenting35:38 Biblical Narratives and Their Modern Implications39:56 The Complexity of Relationships and Dependency41:05 Navigating Marriage and Care Dynamics48:03 Understanding Emotional Connections in Relationships

Ep 25: The Joy of the Juggle with Dolly Jones

You can find Dolly on Instagram @dolly_jones
Please follow me on Instagram @beahappierparent
Keywords
parenting, motherhood, working parents, guilt, empathy, relationships, self-validation, motherhood ideals, joy in parenting, communication
 
The joy of being a working parent is often overshadowed by guilt and societal expectations.Successful working mothers often feel a sense of pride and accomplishment despite challenges.Conversations about parenting in the workplace are often avoided, leading to feelings of isolation.Empathy is crucial in understanding the experiences of working parents, both men and women.Guilt can be a red flag indicating a need for change or self-care in parenting.The invisible work of parenting often goes unrecognized but is essential for family well-being.Clear communication about responsibilities can alleviate resentment in parenting partnerships.The relationship dynamics between partners can significantly impact parenting experiences.Finding joy in work and parenting can lead to a more fulfilling life.
Summary
In this conversation, Dolly Jones discusses her journey to writing a book about the experiences of working parents, particularly mothers. She explores the joys and challenges of balancing work and family life, the societal pressures and guilt that often accompany motherhood, and the importance of empathy and communication in navigating these complexities. The discussion highlights the invisible labor of parenting, the need for shared responsibilities, and the significance of finding joy in both work and parenting. Ultimately, the conversation emphasizes the commonalities among parents and the importance of supporting one another in this journey.
Titles
Navigating the Complexities of Modern MotherhoodThe Hidden Joys of Working Parenthood
Sound bites
"Guilt doesn't enter my head.""We need to talk about it more.""I get to go to work."
Chapters
00:00 The Motivation Behind the Book06:23 The Joys and Challenges of Working Parenthood12:06 Empathy and Commonality in Parenting17:36 The Guilt of Motherhood23:24 Ending the Mother Wars28:52 The Importance of Conversations in Parenting34:22 The Joy of Work and Motherhood36:11 The Guilt of Working Mothers38:35 Childcare Choices and Societal Expectations39:00 The School Bag Dilemma43:49 Understanding Parental Responsibilities47:40 Communication in Parenting52:13 The Value of Caregiving53:46 Identity and Motherhood

Ep 24: The Damaging Myth of the "Natural Mother" with Rose Stokes

You can find more about Rose at rosestokes.co.uk
Follow her on Instagram@rosestokes
Find me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappierparent and YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
parenthood, parenting, expectations, relationships, motherhood, fatherhood, identity, support, communication, growth
Summary
In this conversation, Alex and Rose explore the multifaceted journey of parenthood, discussing the challenges, expectations, and realities that come with raising children. They delve into the impact of societal pressures, the importance of trusting one's instincts, and the evolving dynamics between partners in parenting. The conversation highlights the significance of communication, compromise, and embracing imperfection in the parenting experience.
Takeaways
You don't truly understand parenthood until you experience it.The transition into parenthood is a long and complex process.Expectations from society can create unnecessary anxiety for new parents.Information overload can lead to guilt and confusion in parenting.Trusting your instincts is crucial in navigating parenthood.Parenting is a skill that develops over time through experience.Partners play a vital role in supporting each other during parenting.Communication and understanding between partners can alleviate pressure.It's important to embrace imperfection and learn from mistakes in parenting.Finding balance and compromise is essential for a healthy family dynamic.
Titles
The Realities of Parenthood UnveiledNavigating the Complexities of Parenting
Sound bites
"You don't get it until you get it.""It's a long thinking process.""We both do it together."
Chapters
00:00 Navigating the Complexities of Motherhood05:31 The Impact of Breastfeeding on Identity14:01 The Emotional Journey of Parenting19:59 Partner Dynamics in Parenting24:34 Balancing Roles and Responsibilities29:31 Imaginative Play: A Dad's Perspective32:14 Navigating Parenting Expectations35:02 The Overload of Parenting Information36:54 Trusting Parental Instincts38:44 The Dynamics of Partner Support40:42 The Reality of Parenting Challenges42:07 The Importance of Compromise in Parenting44:48 The Struggles of Weight and Body Image46:15 Communication and Conflict in Relationships52:25 NEWCHAPTER

Ep 23: Can We Parent Without Shame? With Elisabeth Harrod

Check out Elisabeth's website: https://www.purposeparenting.net/
Follow me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappier parent
Full videos of Episodes available on YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
parenting, emotional regulation, shame, child development, dads, moms, self-worth, mistakes, gender dynamics, coaching
Summary
In this conversation, Elisabeth and Alex explore the dynamics of parenting, particularly focusing on the unique challenges and perspectives of dads. They discuss the importance of emotional regulation, the impact of shame on parenting, and the necessity of allowing children to learn from their mistakes. The conversation also delves into gender dynamics in parenting roles and the significance of fostering self-worth in children, emphasizing the need for parents to support their children while also allowing them the space to grow and learn independently.
Takeaways
Elisabeth connects more easily with men than women.Parental expectations can create shame in children.Ending shame involves replacing it with acceptance.Emotional regulation is crucial for children.Parents often do too much for their children.Children need to learn from their mistakes.Gender dynamics influence parenting styles.Self-worth is essential for children's development.Parents' egos can be tied to their children's outcomes.Teaching children to solve their own problems fosters independence.
Titles
Connecting with Dads: A Unique PerspectiveUnderstanding Parental Expectations and Child Development
Sound bites
"I connect more easily with men.""This is creating shame.""You can do it."
Chapters
00:00 Connecting with Dads: The Podcast Journey06:04 Understanding Parenting Expectations and Shame10:48 Collaborative Parenting: Meeting Children Where They Are11:40 The Role of Shame in Parenting16:25 Emotional Regulation: Teaching Kids to Express Feelings21:36 Gender Differences in Emotional Expression27:22 The Impact of Control on Children's Learning31:13 Leveraging Children's Interests for Connection32:33 The Reality of Parenting Expectations34:54 Guilt, Shame, and the Dark Side of Parenting36:00 Navigating Teenage Independence41:34 The Balance of Nurturing and Independence43:14 Fearless Parenting: Letting Go46:28 The Role of Fathers in Parenting47:38 Transitioning from Boys to Men51:01 Empowering Problem Solving in Children52:49 Navigating Shame and Self-Worth

Ep 22: What we ALL want for Christmas with Rachel Childs and Kate Mangino

Don't worry it's not all about Christmas! Christmas is a great framework to discuss some really important issues.
If you want to help with the amazing "Equalish" podcast, check out their crowd funding campaign, here: https://www.ifundwomen.com/projects/equal-ish-podcast
Please follow me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappierparent
Full vidoes of episodes available on YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
gender roles, fatherhood, emotional labor, parenting, equality, family dynamics, holiday traditions, shame, guilt, identity
Summary
This conversation delves into the evolving roles of parents, particularly focusing on gender dynamics in parenting. The speakers discuss how traditional gender roles impact both men and women, the importance of open conversations before becoming parents, and the need for shared emotional labor in family dynamics. They explore the significance of creating joy during holidays and the challenges of breaking down societal norms and gatekeeping. The discussion also touches on the concepts of shame and guilt in parenting, emphasizing the need to redefine identities and scripts around parenthood.
Takeaways
Gender roles are often gendered and can hurt both men and women.The role of fathers has evolved significantly over the years.Conversations about parenting should start before the baby arrives.Emotional labor and cognitive tasks often fall disproportionately on one partner.Teaching boys to notice and participate in household tasks is crucial.Creating joy during holidays can enhance family connections.Mothers should feel empowered to take time away from home.Shame is tied to identity, while guilt is tied to actions.It's important to challenge and redefine parenting scripts.Parents should reflect on their values and identities regularly.
Titles
Redefining Parenthood: Gender Roles and Emotional LaborThe Changing Face of Fatherhood
Sound bites
"Gender roles hurt men too.""Shame is tied to our identity.""Who do I want to be as a parent?"
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to the Conversation02:53 Exploring Gender Roles in Parenting06:11 The Evolution of Fatherhood06:21 The Importance of Shared Responsibilities08:20 Cognitive and Emotional Labor in Households11:28 The Role of Antenatal Programs13:52 The Impact of Societal Expectations16:43 The Concept of 'Noticing' in Parenting18:58 Creating Joy During the Holidays22:16 Navigating Family Dynamics at Christmas24:52 Breaking Down Barriers to Equality27:37 Conclusion and Reflections29:19 The Dynamics of Gatekeeping and Power31:40 Traditions and the Role of Women33:16 Changing Family Dynamics and Emotional Labor34:54 The Importance of Caregiving Roles36:08 Building Relationships Through Shared Joy39:24 The Challenge of Emotional Vulnerability in Parenting43:53 Learning from Dads: The Value of Different Parenting Styles45:25 Shame, Guilt, and Identity in Parenting

Ep 21: Strength, Grief and Trust with Dr Anna Whitwham

We were discussing Anna's most recent book: "Soft Tissue Damage" 
Also check out her novel: "Boxer Handsome"
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @beahappierparent and find videos of these episodes on YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
masculinity, identity, vulnerability, shame, literature, parenting, relationships, emotional health, gender roles, self-discovery
Summary
In this conversation, Anna and Alex delve into the complexities of masculinity, exploring its constructs and representations in literature, the evolution of male identity, and the role of vulnerability and shame. They discuss the importance of female perspectives in understanding masculinity and the significance of building supportive networks for future generations. The dialogue emphasizes the need for emotional health and the impact of relationships on personal growth.
Takeaways
Identity is a construct, and masculinity can take many forms.Literature reflects the evolution of male identity over time.Vulnerability is a crucial aspect of masculinity.Shame can lead to destructive patterns of behavior.Care and support are essential in male friendships.Finding strength in vulnerability can lead to personal growth.Female perspectives are vital in understanding masculinity.Witnessing experiences is crucial for emotional health.Building a supportive network is important for children.The dynamics of female friendships differ from male friendships. 
Titles
The Many Faces of MasculinityLiterary Reflections on Male Identity
Sound bites
"Identity is construct, right?""You have to learn not to fight.""This is a book about healing."
Chapters
00:00 Exploring Masculinity in Literature04:31 The Evolution of Male Protagonists07:20 The Impact of War on Masculinity10:10 Shame and Vulnerability in Men13:00 The Role of Alcohol in Masculine Identity15:54 Understanding Shame and Forgiveness18:02 The Gendered Experience of Shame21:04 Parenting and Masculinity23:33 The Intersection of Boxing and Identity26:24 Navigating Relationships and Violence28:08 The Journey of Self-Discovery through Sport35:28 The Comfort of Kebab and Vulnerability36:10 The Female Perspective on Masculinity38:35 Conversations on Care and Masculinity40:53 Healing Through Boxing and Loss43:19 Understanding Aging and Care46:41 The Role of Witnessing in Relationships49:26 Navigating Mortality and Parenthood52:42 The Dynamics of Female Friendships54:55 Blending Families and Modern Relationships54:55 Introduction to Soft Tissue Damage54:55 Exploring Anna Witwam's Works

Ep 20: How to be a Great Husband with Brian Page

Check out Modern Husbands https://www.modernhusbands.com/
Follow me on Instagram and TikTok and check out videos of these eps on Youtube @alexindadland
Keywords
household roles, domestic labor, marital satisfaction, Fair Play system, emotional labor, financial conversations, parenting, money values, relationship dynamics, pandemic impact
Summary
In this conversation, Brian Page discusses the evolving roles of men and women in household management, particularly in the context of the pandemic. He emphasizes the benefits of shared domestic labor, including increased marital satisfaction and personal happiness for men. The discussion also covers the Fair Play system, which aims to create efficiency in household tasks, and the emotional dynamics that arise from managing a home. Additionally, the conversation touches on the importance of financial discussions in relationships and how to teach children about money and values.
Takeaways
Shared household labor leads to greater marital satisfaction.Men report higher personal happiness when involved in domestic tasks.Being a domestic safety net allows for authentic self-expression.Understanding emotional labor is crucial for efficient household management.The Fair Play system promotes equitable task ownership in homes.Financial discussions should happen when emotions are low for clarity.Teaching children about money can shape their values and character.Regular money dates can help couples manage finances better.Appreciation for each other's contributions is vital in relationships.Navigating household roles requires open communication and empathy.
Titles
Redefining Masculinity in Domestic SpacesThe Joy of Shared Household Responsibilities
Sound bites
"You can't weaponize this either.""Use money to shape who they are.""Always start with the good stuff."
Chapters
00:00 Embracing Change: The Empty Nester Transition03:34 The Birth of Modern Husbands: A Personal Journey06:01 The Benefits of Shared Household Responsibilities08:06 Understanding Domestic Labor: Mental Load and Efficiency10:44 Navigating Societal Expectations: The Financial Provider Dilemma12:52 Fair Play: A System for Equitable Household Management15:42 Emotional Labor and Relationship Dynamics17:56 The Importance of Appreciation in Relationships20:51 Negotiating Household Standards: Finding Common Ground23:33 The Evolving Role of Men in Domestic Spaces32:03 Navigating the Messy World of Caregiving34:20 Balancing Relationships and Parenting36:31 Practical Tips for Couples with Young Kids38:07 Understanding Perpetual Arguments in Relationships43:32 The Economics of Caregiving and Financial Decisions53:33 Learning Through Conflict and Money Conversations